It is said that the past shapes you.
While memories you wish weren’t true.
Some can even pull you through.

One can be haunted by the past.
It is like an ocean without a mast.
Impossible maze that is vast.

The past is said not to change.
Dwelling can cause derange.
Enlightenment is not strange.

It has a tendency to repeat.
If you have been taken by deceit
Be excused, take heed of its heat.

From it you cannot run.
Crawling prodigal son.
Once seen no one can shun.

Future is goal, past is means.
Revive the living scenes.
Do so only if it deems.

Only use to build from.
Snakes cunning tongue.
From the depths you will come.

I lie awake watching the shadows draw near.
It only predicts my sudden fear.
I cant seem to find the one.
When will this constant aching go away?
I’m not sure I can face the next day.
I wish these shadows would swallow me whole.
So I can finally climb into my death hole.
I am consumed with nothingness.
It traps me into these shadows until I no longer exist.
The pain consumes me.
There is nothing left to be.

“I don’t like getting’ drunk.”
Yea well I do.
Sometimes its what gets me through.
It’s my escape from reality and I need it.
My mind is so fucked and my heart constantly aches.
Sometimes I wish I could just take a break.
From this I don’t know what to take.
This time wasn’t it.

“That’s how people become alcoholics”
Well call me one then.
It won’t change a damn thang.
I don’t fuckin care no more.
People are the reason for this hole.
I can’t draw or even write without inspiration.
I just feel torn and worn by my imagination.
My mind traps me.
Sometimes its hard to find,
where the exit would be.

“I promise you will get through. Can’t let anyone do this to you.”
Too late my mind’s on hyperdrive.
I feel like I’m struggling to stay alive.
This place has trapped me like a kid in the pen.
But without my pen and paper I will never again be a ten.
A promise like that is as empty as the thought it took to say it.
Articulate some words that go deeper that’ll touch the soul, shiiiit.

Nah, there was a reason I picked drawing back up. It did that.
I write depressing shit, but something changed, no more trap.
I keep lookin to fill the voids in my heart.
I keep comin up with new ways to try and start.
Truth be told nothing can fill it.
My own heart and mind swallow them whole.

“You let your mind go there. Don’t dwell might miss out. Don’t let it ruin you”
Too damn late, I ruin me with my own mind.
I got so much shit that’s intertwined.
I wish I could take this fuckin bit and throw it in a pool.
Sit back watch this shit struggle to survive without the propa tools.
The pain in my mind gone left without an exorcist
My thoughts finally drown and no longer exist.

“Find something else. I don’t let shit get me down.”
My mind is my life.
And it derermines my strife.
I can’t help but let it take control.
I wish I could dig myself out of this hole.
You got you’re mind right, nice.
Well my mind ain’t done nothing but turning to ice.
You just so much stronger aintcha.
That’s prolly why I’m beginning to hatecha

“You’re supposed to be here. There’s more in store for you. Can’t dwell. Right is out there”
I ain’t right for no one.
So run like someone is chasin you with a fuckin gun.
Nah. You are dead ass wrong, I’m used up.
Empty as the cashed bowl sittin in front of me and now onto the syrup
You got shit twisted. I can dwell so watch me burrow.
I continue until this black soul becomes completely hallow.

“Remember God almost took you faster than shit. Then that shit coulda been it.”
I already should’ve been dead.
The rest shouldn’t even haveta be said.
I have taught enough people lessons.
My time should be now so I can move the fuck on.
It’s been my time.
I can almost hear the clock chime.
I always knew my cards would be up when I’m young.
I know I know people shit sounds dumb.
However I’m still stuck at the table with the low stack and for some reason.
The cards continue to fly across the table season after season.
I win a couple small pots just big enough to keep me in the game.
The blinds like my thoughts are impossible to tame.
If I could simply find a way to exit the table and cease the day
This game I’m trapped, I no longer wish to play.

When I look at those who have affected me I realize that most have been idiots. I wish I could have prevented what happened. There must have been something that I could have done to intervene. I see how it affects you. There has to be something that I could do to change what happened. I wish I could take away that pain. I wish he was not such an idiot. He should have seen you in all of your wonder. He didn’t see what I see in you. The neglect and unobservant nature led to your state. It is a state that you should have never found yourself to be in. You deserve more than some idiot blindly hurting you without care. This person never deserved you. I know that I am better than he, and I am still unsure of whether I deserve that warm smile and comforting eyes. I wish the idiots of your past nothing, but heartbreak and a multitude worse in a world filled with the same pain they have caused you. These idiots do not deserve a single thought within that beautiful soul of yours.

Through the years I have had a problem. I would build someone into something that they are most certainly not. I would see what I thought was love. It was only until recently that I discovered that I am a romantic. It is said they we are self-destructive. I would have to agree. We build things up only to let ourselves down because of what we have pushed into our minds as love. I have tamed my romanticizing since. That is until now. I have this amazing woman. I know she has flaws. I see them everyday. It is part of who she is. Thinking about her and myself made a notion suddenly pop into my brain. What if I am doing it again? What if I am romanticizing about her? Have I built this into something that it is not? The answers are always definitive, but usually escape our rational until hindsight. We sometimes look past the facts to see only what we want to build. The difference this time is that I am seeing with my eyes wide open instead of with blinders. I see plenty of issues that we will run into in the future. However, I don’t ignore them either. I see her flaws and acknowledge them instead of glancing quickly and looking past them. There is understanding in those blue eyes of hers. Something that puts my heart at comfort. I think this time it could work. I think that maybe I might have found someone that can put up with me and vice versa. It seems to be mutual. I even admitted to myself that I was falling. Just as she did as well. So maybe this time it is real.

It seems as though when you find someone it is only content for the time being. Your eyes always wandering, wondering could and if you should try. It is not so easy to believe that you are capable of doing such a thing. You wish you could have what your eyes have being wandering. If you should try, you would risk everything that is good. It is worth it? We all have unspoken desires, but you can’t always express them. Sometimes you want to just grab her and take her away just for one night, but then someone is telling you, your wrong, this is wrong, you will lose what you already have. Soon you start to obsess over the images of your wandering eyes. The desire becomes so great that you cave in and you know you take what you shouldn’t. Soon after that you start to fall apart and lose everything that you thought you could never lose. You lose the person you know you love and all for what? To gain what you desired just for one night. The love will never come back to you, it is gone because you didn’t listen. Gone forever , no second chance. You lose control of the situation. Your desire for your wandering eyes soon fades. You are left with nothing. You lose your love and your desire. Starting over is so painful because you have had great love.

There is so much beauty in the world. It surrounds us everyday. We can’t see it all the time because we wrap ourselves up in things that only bring us down. Things that for the most part are only important for the time being. We let so much pass us by. I know how troubling the world can be, but there are just so many great things. The love that surrounds us. Sometimes by things that we don’t even notice. The rain washes away sorrow, while the light shines to brighten our lives, the sea calms us, the trees give us shade to protect us. You see love surrounds us, maybe not in the conventional way. It is not always a person, but the world that loves us. Then, some of us are fortunate to have someone to love us. Those are the ones that are most lucky, but often times they forget all that love them. It is up to you to see this all. There is always time to see the beauty and love in the world.

It seems that no matter what I continue to disappoint. Not just disappoint myself, but everyone around me. I can’t keep anyone close to me. I continue to push away. They get too close to my heart; I become claustrophobic and begin to become detached. I can’t handle love. I do not know what to do with it. It is what I long to have, but can’t keep because it begins to burn me like it so often has in the past. I don’t allow anyone or anything to stay long enough to take hold of my heart. It pains me to push away, but I know in the end it is for the best. They will go on and find someone that deserves them. I just want to slip back into myself and into darkness once more. It is where I belong. I am not supposed to have someone to love. I am destined to live life by myself in the hell that I have made in my heart.

When looking into her eyes I noticed how lucky of a man I was. I saw back to my dark and lonely days where I was put on my ass by life. Ii held me down with its’ foot on my face grinding it into the ground. Then this wonderful person lent me a hand a pushed away my fears and loneliness. She was the one that I had been waiting for. She is the woman that would pull me from my dark thoughts and ways. I could not have been more lucky. She was like an angel. Everything about her was heavenly. Only an angel could have pulled me from the abyss that I had banished myself to. If it wasn’t for her there is no telling where my troubled soul would be right now. I thank God for the angel that he had sent to my aid.

Its funny I never thought I could be like this. I’m so content, so happy, and so alive. My dark days as they were, are over. I used to dwell in pity and the deepest of places within my mind. The place where no one could reach, not even the ones closest to me. That is where my twisted mind began. The people that remained close to me through my trying and stressful times slowly began to straighten my poor, tired mind. They brought me out of the dark into the light. Now I wear my thoughts on my sleeves once more, like I did when I was a child. I have returned to my innocence, leaving the pain that was once within. The pain that nearly led to my demise will never exist like it did. The cord of death will never be wrapped around my neck like it was in my past. It has left a scar around my soul’s neck. I will never allow the negative to take control over me as it once did. The only thing left to remind me to never return is the ugly scar left by my tormented mind.